


Hope Of Morning

by TddkPowers



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: Angst, Blink-and-you-miss-it Fluff, Heavy Angst, M/M, No Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-22
Updated: 2019-08-22
Packaged: 2020-09-24 09:01:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,388
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20355889
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TddkPowers/pseuds/TddkPowers
Summary: What if Kaworu and Shinji has gotten a liiittttllllleeeeee bit closer





	Hope Of Morning

**Author's Note:**

> I swear I can write happy things! Plus this is old and I decided to finish it, and I will be writing more of “Shatter Me” I promise!!

“You weren’t waiting here for me, were you?” A sly smirk etched onto his porcelain skin. 

“I-um-I- no, not really, I didn’t mean to.” Shinji stuttered, blushing at the statement and slightly acknowledging that he was indeed waiting for him.

“So, how was today for you, Shinji-kun.” That smirk still plastered on his face, as he leaned down in front of the brunette. For some reason, Kaworu felt so genuine about everything. He felt familiar and new at the same time, creating a very comfortable but not monotonous aura to the boy, he was refreshing.

“W-well, the usual tests are finished for today, and I was going to take a shower before I go home. But, lately, I don’t like going home.” His head sank, his gaze now focused on his lap. Waves of sadness washed over him, causing him to shudder slightly under the thought of going “home”.

“You have a house to go to, so you should be happy, and that's nice.” A small melancholic sigh escaped his porcelain lips, still smirking.

“Really?”

“I like talking to you, so may I go with you?” 

“Huh?”

“To the showers, that is. Are you still going there?”

“Yeah…”

“Is that a ‘no’?”

“N-no! You can c-come if you want!”

——

The steam from the hot water caused a nice and thick vapor to materialize, further adding to Shinji’s flush. ‘How is he so perfect?’ The brunette looked over to the boy next to him, trying his best not to look down.

The lights suddenly cut, and the two are left in the dark. 

“Oh. I guess it's time to go home.” Shinji said, slightly disappointed they didn’t get to talk that much.

“With you?” Kaworu asked quite innocently, that perfect smile still on his face. 

“Um-Um! No, i-i think you have your own room, they made it for you!” The brunette was very disappointed with his almost automatic response. He wasn’t repulsed by the thought of sleeping with Kaworu, actually, he’d much rather stay with Kaworu than go home. He had just met the other, but he already trusted him with his entire being. 

“Okay.” A slight pang of guilt shot through the Shinji’s chest as the other stood up. Shinji tried desperately to follow his head, but failed miserably. His flush deepened to a bright red. There was zero emotion in his response. ‘God dammit Shinji you never do anything right.’ he mentally screamed at himself.

“People always feel pain in their hearts, that's what makes living so painful. Their hearts are fragile like glass, yours especially.” He looked so peaceful and knowledgeable, so he continued to listen.

“It-It is?” He said, genuinely intrigued, still blushing like a firetruck. 

“Yes. Worthy of my sympathy.”

“Sympathy?”

“Im saying I love you.”

Those words. Those five words. They single-handedly broke Shinji’s world apart and mended what was left to form something that was so unknown to the abandoned boy that he didn’t know what to do. His senses were going crazy. Hot and cold felt the same, and he couldn’t tell if the waves of emotions he was feeling made him feel hot or cold because they all blended together making him question everything he ever knew and what they were. ‘How could anyone ever love me?’ He thought, it wasn’t humanly possible to love him. So he just sat there looking up at the other, who was still smiling sweetly. How was Kaworu so damn perfect, so amazing.

“You really love me? Someone like me?” The feeling was so strong and unfamiliar he didn’t know what to do with it. It hurt so bad but it felt like a new life, like a blossoming flower in his chest. Like relief, but better. He wanted to cry it felt so good.

Was this feeling love? Unconditional or romantic love? Shinji couldn’t tell, because he simply had never felt any of those, but craved for it desperately. He felt so empty until this moment in time, this absolutely beautiful moment in time. Someone had said they actually loved him.

“Yes. I really wish you wouldn’t hate yourself so much, you are so lovely and beautiful, but you don’t seem to realize how great you really are.” Kaworu started to make his way out of the bath. Kaworu really did know exactly what to say, and every time it he said anything, it made his chest feel like it was about to burst.

“Um-um i'm sorry t-to ask, but can I stay at-at your place, Kaworu-kun?” His face was on fire as he asked the question. The other boy’s name rolled off his tongue naturally, and it made his heart drum ferociously to say.

“Of course. Anything for you, Shinji-kun.” The brunette was mentally imploding and was fighting wars between his brain. They were like the angel and devil sitting on his shoulders, the angel demanding he not do anything and not advance with his actions, and the devil begging for him to just say “fuck it” and do it. Choices, choices, choices.

——

The walk to Kaworu’s dorm was slow and deliberate, like they both wanted to take as much time in each other's company. The silence was not awkward at all, rather, peaceful. The albino boy fumbled with his key a small bit before twisting the lock and opening the door. His room was barren, a blank slate. It had all the basics.

Shinji went against his heart, and decided to sleep on the floor. He wanted to sleep with Kaworu, on the same bed, sharing the same space, but that would drive him crazy. 

“Is it really okay for me to be here?”

“Yes, I don’t mind it, Shinji-kun.”

“I-uhm-Kaworu-kun I-I noticed t-that you say my name at the end of a lot of sentences. Wh-why is that?” The brunette stuttered and covered his face with his hands in a futile attempt to cover his beet-red face.

“Because I like it. Your name, Shinji-kun. I like saying it.” 

Shinji was dumbfounded at how Kaworu could just easily pry his heart open with a few words. It was like he had practiced for years, and had been preparing it and aging it to perfection. Every word the pale boy spoke was like another beat in his heart, another reason to live.

“Are you okay, Shinji-kun?”

“How.”

“What? How what?”

“You day the perfect things, and at the right times. How?” 

He just smiled. He smiled that perfect, beautiful smile as his cheeks were dusted a slight pink.

“Because I love you, Shinji-kun.”

——

Kaworu is an angel. Kaworu is an angel. Kaworu is an angel. Kaworu is an angel. Kaworu is an angel! He was the enemy!

“Kaworu you betrayed me! You betrayed my feelings!”

He just looked back at him and his eyes screamed, “I’m sorry” a distraught expression plastered on his face. His perfect, beautiful face.

Then he smiled. And spoke the worst words Shinji had ever heard.

“Please, kill me, Shinji-kun.”

The brunette’s heart shattered and splintered every which-way.

“Kaworu-kun…”

Crunch.

——

It physically hurt to think, so Shinji just collapsed onto his bed and laid there and wallowed in his own self-hatred and just cried. His heart was splintering and every bit that was broken off, sent tremors throughout his body. The world was spinning, nothing would stay still, it was as if the world decided to revolve around him but why it was doing so was to utterly destroy him and break him down to a state where he could be molded and toyed with so nothing would hurt, but nothing made sense other than it hurt. It contradicted its motifs and it only hurt when he was shaped.

It hurt to breathe, it hurt to exist. Why does it have to hurt so much?

He was in mental roller coaster and each turn and dip it made his mood swing out of control, although he did not voluntarily move, tremors still wracking his small frame. And each noise the ride emitted, a different color flashed briefly, making him even sicker than he already was. The brunette was practically catotonic was contorted in an awful and uncomfortable position. He shook and sobbed uncontrollably.

“He should have been the one to live.”

Kaworu loved him to death, and Shinji realized something.

It really wasn’t humanly possible to love him.


End file.
